Boundaries

“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know what I was walling in or walling out.  And to whom I was like to give offense.”  Robert Frost

What is a boundary?  A boundary indicates where one thing ends and another begins.  It is usually a demarcation line, the proverbial “line in the sand”.  To have a boundary you have to know what the limit or extent of something is.  Personal boundaries are very important.  I have learned this the hard way as I am sure many others have also.  I had to hear about boundaries and learn these concepts (which I am still learning) before I realized that I didn’t have any boundaries.  I hope that this will help anyone else who struggles with boundary issues in their lives.

Women in general seem especially prone to “collapsed boundaries”.  We get lost in our relationships with our significant others, our children, our work, the list goes on.  This is natural for most women as we are naturally nurturers and because despite all the equal rights given us we still have a “role” that society places us in.   That could be another whole blog post.  Lets just say that this post is for anyone with boundary issues or questions.

So now that we know what a boundary is, how do we know what ours are personally?  Number one, figure out what you really, truly think and feel about how you interact with others.  Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• are you able to say yes or no and mean it?  are you okay when others say no to you?
• do you know and respect yourself for who you are?  or does your identity depend on what others think of you or want you to be – are you a chameleon?
• do you take on others problems as your own? or do you know when a problem belongs to you or someone else?
• do you share personal information in a relationship gradually? or do you share too much too soon?
• do you know your own wants, needs, and feelings and are you able to express them clearly communicating to others?  or do your wants, needs, and feelings come second to others and even sometimes are determined by others?
• do you value your opinions and feelings? or do you rely on others for opinions and ideas more than yourself?
• are you responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment?  or do you feel responsible for others happiness and fulfillment and even rely on relationships to create that for you?
• do you compromise your values or integrity (personal truth) to avoid rejection?

Okay so if you answered the above questions you will have a good idea of where you stand.  Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time and persistence.  Here are some tips I hope will help.

1. Know that you have the right to protect and defend yourself, even the responsibility to do so (be your own hero).
2. You set boundaries when it feels right for you as you continue to develop and grow as a person.  Don’t let others set your boundaries.
3. You might feel embarrassed, silly, selfish, or even guilty when you first start to set boundaries -refer back to #1
4. You will be tested – especially by those who are accustomed to you behaving or not behaving a certain way.   Most people will respect your boundaries, but be prepared to stand firm – you owe it to yourself!
5. DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES!  this sends confusing messages.  You owe no one an explanation or apology.
6. Some may try to say that boundaries are a form of manipulation – the difference between healthy boundaries and manipulation is that with a healthy boundary you let go of the outcome.  I.e. you are not responsible for other persons reaction to the boundary.
7. You are responsible for clearly communicating your boundaries when needed in a respectful manner.  Examples of communicating boundaries (fill in the blank)              When you _________ I Feel_________ I Want_________
8. Finally OWN it!! Own the fact that you are a co-creator of your life.

I hear your fears and they are mine also – if I do set up these boundaries then my friends, family, significant other, will leave and abandon me!  OR if I build the walls of protection high enough around me I won’t get too close to anyone and won’t get hurt! Both of these thoughts are extremes of a spectrum.  Know what you are walling in when building and what you are walling out.  If the people you love, love you they are not going to run away and abandon you.  Though there may be some who do.  Those who do walk away or run away from you are probably people that are not good for you to be involved with in the first place.  On the other hand if you build walls to keep everyone out then you will miss out on the wonderful friends and healthy relationships that are awaiting you.  Always build your garden wall with a gate.

Finally,  the best thing, the most important item is to have an honest relationship to your true self – you know the person you are at heart.  Nurture yourself, protect and love your inner child as if it was your own flesh and blood child.  Own, acknowledge, and defend who you are to protect your boundaries.   But always be flexible and strong enough to invite a friend into the garden for tea.  You can always lock the garden gate on the uninvited.

Be Your Own Hero

“We can be Heroes just for one day…” ~ David Bowie

What is a hero? in the most simple sense a hero is a protector. Many people are looking to others to be their hero when we need to be our own hero.

How and why should we be our own hero?  How to be our own hero is to realize that we should love and respect ourselves enough to not let others disrespect us.   First we need to know who WE really are – our true self.  Then we need to have healthy boundaries with our loved ones, family, friends, and co-workers.   What is a healthy boundary you might ask – a healthy boundary can be emotional or physical and it helps to define our true self.  Do you really know if you like something or do you just go along to be a “nice” person or a “people pleaser”?   Learn what your boundaries are then protect them.  I will research boundaries further another time.

Why should you be your own hero?  Because who could be a better protector of yourself?  Who knows YOU better than YOURSELF?  It seems freeing to me that I don’t have to wait around for someone else to “rescue” me or defend my position, or help me out of a situation,  I am able to do this for myself.  It is very empowering when you can apply the concept.  I spent a large portion of my life waiting for someone else to be my hero – never realizing that I have the ability to do this for myself.

Being your own hero doesn’t mean going around and “tooting your own horn” all the time or being a bully or obnoxious.  A hero is usually defined by an act of heroism.  Examples of heroism would be a soldier saving others in a dangerous battle, a person going through a painful medical procedure to help another person live, etc.  The common thread in heroism is that the acts or deeds are done out of a good heart with no thought of superficial praise or grandeur.  Think of heroes you have read about, or even known, and I bet you will find common threads.  Generally these are people who have the most admirable qualities of courage, pure hearts, and selfless love or acts of altruism.

So just for today try it – try to be your own hero.  Take care of yourself and make sure you don’t let others take unfair advantage or trample on your boundaries.  But don’t let it stop there – be a hero for someone else too!  You will have opportunities every day presented to be a hero for someone, look for them.  You may surprise yourself.